I am writing this as I sit in my backyard. My son is at school and my daughter is alternating between running around and climbing into my lap to take over control of the pc. I have also just completed a marathon cooking session as the next few days will be very busy and I want to make sure we have proper meals to eat, not that the kids will care. They live on a diet of sunshine and rainbows.
I know some people will say that I am lucky that I can stay at home. I know a lot of people will also judge and make assumptions. The mommy wars are real and I have made (mostly silent) ignorant comments in my ill-informed younger days but I do feel the need to write/talk/vent and generally express how I am feeling at this particular moment. Being a stay at home mom, for the most part, puts you through the wringer emotionally and physically, for me at least. I have been ridiculously happy, depressed, worried, you name it, I probably felt it. But today, I’m feeling unsure and excited. I feel like I have a new chance at figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.
My entire life, the only thing I was sure that I wanted to be was a wife and mother but also something else too. I just don’t know what the something else is. I love that I could say at home for as long as I have. I got to have great tines with my kids, I got to volunteer at my son’s school and my daughter and I have some fun girl time. I have also had people say the dumbest thing to me. Some of them intentional and some of them unconscious (I hope). Here are some examples:
- “What do you do all day?” I want to tell them to switch places with me do exactly what I do, to my standards.
- “You must be so bored.” Sometimes but not for long. There is always something to do. I do get lonely though.
- “I couldn’t do it, I need to be busy.” See #1
- “I need to work, I need the fulfillment.” I’m very fulfilled and I do work. Parenting is work. Also, I freelance occasionally so I do “work” outside of the home and from home too.
I think we all suffer from “the grass is always greener on the other side,” at some point. I would love to be able to take family vacations, eat out at fancy restaurants and have spa days but I need to work within my budget. I also am reminding myself all the time that life is fluid, I’m not going to be in this stage forever.
This brings me to where I am today. I feel on the cusp of something. I am exploring a few opportunities and I do not know where I will end up but I am trying to be positive, worry less and enjoy the moment I am in. I’m getting rambly and philosophical but what I want to say is that you never truly know someone’s life situation or what they are going through and Facebook only tells part of the story. I am constantly reminding myself of this. Along with my positive qualities I am also vain, shallow and envious but that doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me human. So I may covet your vacation or shopping trip but I am also happy that you got those and I will back off from Facebook and look at all my blessings and be happy for myself.